


Tell The Mirror What You Know She's Heard Before

by UnlockTheRainbow



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Also sort of suicidal thoughts, Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Hatred, if anything like that is triggering please be careful, kind of a happy ending?, pretty heavy angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 10:28:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17702654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnlockTheRainbow/pseuds/UnlockTheRainbow
Summary: Sara didn’t know how it happened exactly. One moment she was still looking into her own lifeless eyes, hating the broken nothingness she wasn’t quite able to push all the way down. The next, her muscles pulled taut and her fist connected with the mirror as she let out a scream.It didn’t make her feel any better.It did mean she no longer had to see those haunted eyes staring back at her.-OR-Sara punches herself in the mirror.Ava and Sara deal with the aftermath of that.





	Tell The Mirror What You Know She's Heard Before

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I cried writing this. So I hope you suffer with me. Misery loves company after all.
> 
> PLEASE be careful reading this. It got pretty dark and there is a hint of suicidal thoughts so if that could possibly be a trigger for you please don't read it. Be safe.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this angsty thing I wrote. Let me know what you thought :)
> 
> Title is from 'idontwannabeyouanymore' by Billie Eilish. This fic is honestly based on that song and 'Bury a friend'.

Sara didn’t know how it happened exactly. One moment she was still looking into her own lifeless eyes, hating the broken nothingness she wasn’t quite able to push all the way down. The next, her muscles pulled taut and her fist connected with the mirror as she let out a scream.

 

It didn’t make her feel any better.

 

It did mean she no longer had to see those haunted eyes staring back at her.

 

With a sigh, Sara crouched down to gather the splinters of the mirror that had sprung off with the force of her blow. She moved her hand to pick up a piece and swore at the sight of her bloodied knuckles.

 

She could explain away a few bruises too much, but she knew that this wouldn’t go unnoticed. Sara thought of all kinds of excuses that could get her out of this without having to face what was really going on but in the end she came up empty.

 

Maybe she could say she got into some kind of bar fight. It was still not pretty and Ava would probably still be worried, but it was better than the ugly truth at least. Shit. She would also need to get a new mirror. Like immediately. She could probably get Gideon to fabricate one and after that ban her from asking questions or notifying anyone.

 

‘Fucking hell Lance. You can’t even hurt yourself without causing a mess.’ She muttered to herself, laughing humourlessly.

 

She sighed and sat back for a minute, she couldn’t clean the floor up when she was dripping blood everywhere. She really looked at her knuckles and saw most of the blood was coming from one big cut to the side of the knuckle of her middle finger. Tinier cuts, most of them already having stopped bleeding, covered the rest of her hands and pieces of the mirror glass were stuck in them.

 

Sara sighed again, rubbing at her eyes with her uninjured hand and moved to grab a wad of toilet paper. She roughly wiped the blood away with the toilet paper, and cursed as she just pushed the pieces of glass further into her skin. It only made it bleed even more and opened up some of the tinier cuts again.

 

She sighed, frustrated, and threw the bloody paper somewhere in the bathroom. She pulled her knees up and let her elbows rest on top of them, arms stretched out to the front, so the blood didn’t drip all over herself. With another frustrated sigh she let her head fall back against the wall and closed her eyes.

 

She opened her eyes a little later to someone vaguely calling out her name in her room right next to bathroom where she was now. Before she could fully comprehend what was happening the door to the bathroom was being pushed open.

 

‘Sara are you –’ Ava said before freezing up at the sight of her love on the floor next to a broken mirror with a bloodied hand.

 

Sara didn’t know what to do, everything in her told her to run and never deal with this. But a small part of her wanted Ava to know. Wanted her stay. Wanted her to love her even if she hated herself. Selfish, she knew that.

 

Sara didn’t know what to do, so Sara didn’t do anything. She had the mind to move her bloodied hand out of Ava’s line of sight. Not that the taller blonde hadn’t already seen it, but she could always try?

 

‘Sara. Jesus. What happened?’ Ava’s voice was about an octave higher than normal, showing her concern.

 

‘Uhm. There was… A fly..?’ Sara said, her voice too high at the last word to make it believable.

 

Ava stared at Sara with a raised eyebrow, crossing her arms in front of her. ‘Seriously? What the fuck happened Sara?’ She said, not able to keep her voice down.

 

She briskly walked over to Sara and crouched down in front of her. She took Sara’s limp bloodied hand in her own and brought it closer to her face to inspect the damage. There were little pieces of glass sticking out of the cuts on her knuckles.

 

‘Jesus Sara why the fuck did you do this?’ Ava said, not really expecting Sara to answer.

 

She could practically feel the smaller blonde retracting in herself. She knew she had to do something before she completely shut down, but Ava didn’t know what to say.

 

Ava didn’t understand why the fuck Sara had just punched a mirror, but she knew she had to calm down, before the smaller girl could completely shut her out and push her away. Sara was really good at pushing her away.

 

Ava took three deep breathes to slow her heart rate. ‘Can I clean your knuckles? I don’t want them getting infected.’

 

She decided it was best to deal with these physical wounds first. It gave her time to think about how she was going to handle this side of Sara. It wasn’t that she didn’t knew there was something dark inside her. Everyone knew that, Sara had been an assassin for gods sake, of course there was something dark inside her. She just hadn’t realised how deep that dark streak ran.

 

Sara only gave one nod and Ava took that as permission to clean the wounds. She got some rubbing alcohol and gauze and a pair of tweezers to get the glass out of her knuckles.

 

She disinfected the tweezers with the alcohol and gave Sara a warning before she started plucking the glass from her skin. The only indication Sara gave that it hurt was the slight twitch of her lips and Ava would have missed it if she wasn’t paying such close attention.

 

As Ava was working on getting Sara’s hand clean again, her mind was going over very moment she shared with the smaller girl. She was searching for anything that could have been a clue that things were not okay with Sara.

 

When she thought about it, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it sooner.

 

 

_3 weeks ago:_

_‘Sara. Sara! Hey!’ Ava said, while waving her hand in front of Sara’s face._

_‘Where did you go just now?’ she asked, laughing a bit._

_Sara had been staring at herself in the mirror. She didn’t want to look that long but she got sucked into her self-hatred and the swirling darkness spiralled her further and further down, before Ava could snap her out of it. But Ava didn’t need to know that._

_She looked at the taller blonde sheepishly._

_‘I don’t know. Just looking.’ She said quickly, carefully avoiding both Ava’s and her own eyes._

_‘Well, you look gorgeous today. No need to fixate on your face.’ Ava said, pecking Sara on her lips before walking out of the bathroom._

_Thankfully, she missed the clenched fists at Sara’s side._

Ava now realised that they’d had been seconds away from being in this exact position. With Sara small and quiet, her back against the wall and Ava cleaning her bloodied knuckles from mirror glass.

 

She mentally smacked herself up the head for not looking behind the happy façade. For not climbing over the walls Sara put up. For not being what Sara obviously needed her to be.

 

She flinched as another memory took over.

 

 

_Ten days ago:_

_‘Hey babe. How long have you been here?’ Ava asked._

_Sara was drenched in sweat and her breathing was laboured as she threw her fists into the punching bag one after the other._

_‘Lost track.’ Sara panted out, not slowing down for a second._

_Ava walked over to the smaller blonde, concern written on her face._

_‘Slow down a bit Sara. Here have some water.’ She said, picking up the water bottle that was lying on the ground. Still full._

_‘Have you not had any water?’ Ava asked, holding the bottle out to Sara._

_Sara kept punching for a few more moments, but stopped when Ava wiggled the bottle at her again._

_‘Must have forgotten.’ Sara shrugged as she took the bottle and brought it to her lips._

_Ava was about to voice some more of her concerns but they were forgotten when Sara tugged her closer and pressed her lips to Ava’s._

_‘I need a shower. Want to join me?’ She asked, winking at Ava and tugging her along to the bathroom._

Ava truly hated herself in that moment. She should have seen it, should have pushed a little more. She knew something was off but one wink from Sara and she was putty in her hands. She should have known what the smaller girl was doing. She was her girlfriend for fucks sake. She was supposed to know when something wasn’t right.

 

She barely had enough time to hate herself for not seeing it when yet another moment filled her head.

 

_A few days ago:_

_‘I wanna end me. I wanna. I wanna. I wanna. End me.’ Sara’s singing voice sounded through the kitchen of Ava’s apartment._

_‘No you don’t.’ Ava responded, voice light as she walked over to where Sara was doing the dishes and hugging her girlfriend from behind._

_‘You don’t right?’ Ava asked when Sara didn’t respond right away._

_Sara just shrugged. ‘Honestly, I thought that I would be. Dead. By. Now.’ She continued singing and added the ‘wow’ sound as she turned around to face Ava._

_‘It’s just a song babe. An extremely good one though. Have you listened to it yet?’ Sara answered._

Ava now realised Sara used it to smoothly change the subject. Sara knew she wouldn’t be able to lie to Ava if she directly asked her about it, but she also didn’t exactly lie about anything if she just didn’t talk about it. Clever.

 

Ava was this close to letting the tears in her eyes spill over. The only thing keeping her from sobbing was the knowledge that it would make Sara feel guilty and that was the last thing Ava wanted.

 

Clue after clue took over Ava’s brain and the miserable feeling of having failed someone seeped into her entire being, leaving her exhausted by the time she was done cleaning Sara’s hand.

 

She wrapped the gauze around her knuckles and sat back cross-legged with Sara’s now bandaged hand still between her own. She wasn’t entirely sure where or how to start and she knew Sara sure as hell wasn’t going to open up herself.

 

‘Listen. I read your file. I know what happened to you was horrible and I can never even begin to understand. I know that. But I love you Sara and I don’t care about your past –‘.

 

Sara scoffed at that, interrupting Ava’s monologue, but not elaborating any further.

 

‘What? Sara I don’t care about your past. I know who you are deep down. This isn’t it.’ Ava continued, reaching over to place her hand on Sara’s chest, her thumb rubbing along the smaller girl’s collarbone.

 

‘You should care about my past.’ Sara said quietly, not meeting Ava’s eyes.

 

‘Why? I –‘

 

‘Because it’s part of me, Ava! It’s a big fucking part of me. Deep down I’m just – I’m not a good person Aves.’ Sara interrupted again.

 

‘Okay. Hey. Sara, okay. First, I didn’t mean for it to sound like I don’t care about all of you. Of course I care about all of you. Second, please listen to me. You are a good person.’

 

Sara scoffed again, but Ava continued before the smaller girl could say anything.

 

‘You are. You are absolutely wonderful and I wish you could see yourself as you really are Sara. I wish you could see yourself like your crew sees you, like I see you. Like –‘.

 

‘I see myself as I really am Ava. A monster.’ Sara cut Ava off. Again.

 

Ava felt the conversation slip out of her control. Everything she said, Sara used against her to make her own point and Ava just wanted to make her see how wrong she was, but she didn’t know how to.

 

‘You are not a monster. How can you say that?’ Ava tried again.

 

‘How can you not? I have hurt so many people. So many innocent people that didn’t deserve to be hurt. How can you look me in the eye and tell me I’m a good person.’

 

‘Like this.’ Ava answered, taking Sara’s chin between her thumb and index finger and lifting it, so her eyes met Sara.

 

‘You. Are a good person.’ She said, softly smiling.

 

She tried to pour all the love she felt for the smaller blonde into her eyes. All the times Sara had made her smile and laugh and feel like the most special woman across time. All the beautiful moments they shared together. All concentrated into one look.

 

Sara’s eyes were red from crying and the normally clear blue was watered down by the tears still swimming there. Her bottom lip quivered as she tried to calm herself down a bit.

 

‘Then you really don’t know me Ava.’ She croaked out, her throat tight from the crying.

 

Ava could practically hear her own heart shattering at those words. Mostly because Sara was right in a way. She hadn’t known Sara was struggling immensely with herself like this. She had failed to see Sara desperately needed help. Even when she was practically crying out for it. How the fuck had Ava missed this.

 

‘You’re right.’ Ava rasped, her own tears spilling over her cheeks. ‘I didn’t know you were struggling like this and I am so, so sorry for failing you like this.’ Ava choked out, sobbing.

 

‘But Sara. I have learned. So much from you these past months. You are the strongest person I have ever met. You are an amazing captain and you have done amazing things. You have more than made up for your past. And I promise to remind you every day again and again of how good you are. If you let me.’ Ava continued.

 

Both women were sobbing by the time Ava choked out the last words. Ava still had Sara’s chin in between her fingers and she now moved her hand to Sara’s cheek and let her forehead lean against Sara’s. The thumb of her other hand continued to rub comforting circles on Sara’s collarbone.

 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, both letting themselves and each other cry. Sara was really trying to believe what Ava was telling her, but she just couldn’t. She couldn’t look past the awful things she had done. She truly believed she didn’t deserve forgiveness and had stopped trying to give it to herself.

 

It had been pretty easy. For a long time she had just stopped feeling at all. For a long time she had just gotten things done and moved on. Not connecting with anything. Not belonging anywhere. It had been empty, but she had been at peace in a weird way.

 

Then Ava Sharpe came along, awakening something in her. At first just annoyance but gradually and steadily so much more. This wonderful time bureau agent had waltzed into her life and tore down every wall Sara had built. She had punched through every defence and had made Sara feel alive again for the first time in forever.

 

Sara had never been this happy in her life. But she knew she didn’t deserve it. She deserved the emptiness she was used to. The more she fell in love with Ava, the more she hated herself. The more Ava showed her what a good person was like, the more she realised what an evil one she was. And tonight something had snapped.

 

‘I hate myself so much I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.’ Sara whispered hoarsely as a few more tears escaped her eyes.

 

‘It’s like the bloodlust in me returned but is now fully concentrated on myself. And all I want to do is completely destroy me.’ She admitted quietly.

 

It felt kind of good to say it out loud. It was like with each word she whispered a weight lifted off her shoulders. She desperately wanted to hold it all in. To push it all down. To not be a burden. But when Ava looked at her with those soft eyes and a small encouraging smile on her lips, Sara couldn’t stop.

 

‘It’s like there is this swirling pit of darkness inside of me. And I’m just constantly drowning. And I fight and fight to keep my head above, but I’m so fucking tired and it’s just so fucking peaceful down under, where I don’t have to feel at all.’

 

Sara closed her eyes and let out a quivering sigh. Still resting her forehead against Ava’s, her hands limp in her lap. When she opened her eyes again tears were leaking down Ava’s cheeks too, but the taller girl was still smiling down at her.

 

‘But on the other hand, it feels like when I’m keeping my head above the darkness, I can finally breath again. So I’m in this constant battle between empty but easy and alive but also exhausted and hating myself .’ Sara continued. Now she finally started explaining how she felt to Ava she couldn’t seem to stop.

 

‘And I was fucking okay down there, but then you had to come along and show me there was more to live for and now I have to constantly push everything away to not fucking end myself. And I’m just. So. Tired.’

 

Sara blew out a breath at that last word, completely drained. She leaned even more against Ava and the taller girl manoeuvred Sara so she was laying against Ava’s chest and ava was softly stroking her hair.

 

‘You don’t have to be in that endless state of almost drowning. You don’t have to push everything away. You should use it. Use everything you’ve been through to built a raft to keep yourself afloat. And when you have your raft start upgrading it, make it easier to keep floating. Start building from the things you’ve done instead of letting them weigh you down.’ Ava said.

 

She knew Sara probably wasn’t ready to really hear what she was saying, but she couldn’t sit back and let Sara think everyone would be better off without her. That wasn’t the way Ava was built.

 

‘But how do I built something good from darkness and death, Ava? How do I built something good from what I’ve done when all I’ve done is pure evil? How do I fucking forgive things that are unforgivable?’ Sara said, voice rising with her hatred.

 

‘By focussing on the good you’re doing Sara.’ Ava answered.

 

She had a feeling they were going around in circles, but she also knew this wasn’t something that was fixable overnight, even though she desperately wanted it to be.

 

‘There is no good in me Ava.’ Sara whispered tiredly in reply.

 

‘Yes. Yes there is. And I will remind you every day if I have to. I will show you again and again the joy you bring to peoples’ lives and the light you shine on peoples’ soul.’ Ava said, determined to not lose the best thing she had in her life.

 

‘But right now, we’re going to bed. We are not going to think about anything anymore and we’re just going to sleep. That’s the first rule of healing. Having a regular sleeping schedule.’ She continued.

 

Ava swung one arm under Sara’s legs and the other across her back and stood up in one fluent motion. She would deal with the mess that was the bathroom tomorrow, right now the only thing on her mind was keeping Sara safe.

 

Ava carried Sara to her bed and laid her down. Sara’s eyes were closed already and even though the occasional tear was still leaking out of her eye, she was tired enough to fall asleep right away.

 

Ava took off Sara’s pants and socks and tucked her in under the covers. She stood next to the bed for a little while, just taking in the beautiful blonde woman that had become the centre of her entire world in such a short time.

 

She realised she was only now beginning to understand what Sara had been through and what kind of mark that left on a person. Sara had looked so broken tonight and Ava could only hope this was the beginning of Sara rebuilding herself.

 

Ava just knew she was going to stick by her side no matter what. She promised herself she would remind Sara of how wonderful she was every day. She promised herself to push harder when she suspected something wasn’t entirely right. But most of all she promised herself that she would love Sara with all she had and not let herself be pushed away, even if Sara wanted to.

 

Ava kicked off her own pants and changed into a more comfortable pyjama shirt. She quickly brushed her teeth and then slid into bed next to the passed out girl. Ava pressed a kiss to her temple and stroked the smaller girl’s hair for a few moments. She snuggled into Sara’s side and pressed another kiss to her cheek.

 

‘I love you Sara Lance. Never forget that.’ She whispered in her ear as she too drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I myself am okay. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> find me on tumblr [unlocktherainbow](https://unlocktherainbow.tumblr.com/)


End file.
